An Update :)

Hey guys! I know its been a long time since I've wrote. I have been very busy since the summer. Remember back when I wrote about the guy I met? And he was the inspiration to my last post.. Well anyways. He is still in Louisiana for school but he will be done December 11!!!We are almost there! It hasn't been easy but we are great. Its funny how sometimes in life we think we will never love again. We think that mending our broken hearts is impossible. We think we will never fill the emptiness that we have. Maybe you have felt this way before, or maybe you do now. But one day you meet someone and your whole world turns around. You'll be thankful for all the times it never worked out before. You will meet someone who tells you everyday how special you are. Whenever I found out he was moving two states away from me I was so scared. Scared that he would forget me or we would grow apart. But real love can overcome any obstacle. He will be home soon and I couldn't be happier. This distance has made us closer than ever. Whenever we see each other we have so much fun and we never take it for granted. I am so blessed to have someone like him in my life. Never give up on finding exactly what you deserve. So much has changed since I graduated and I am so excited to see what my future holds. I am also excited to see what the future holds for all of you, my talented friends :)

The Glow

The wind softly catches my hair
sun blazes through my tinted sunglasses
my skin absorbing its beauty.
The water around me glistens softly
as if painting a picture with its cool contrasts
At that moment,
I feel more than the wind
than the sun
I feel a look.
A glance from behind me
the feeling quickly overwhelms me
the feeling more beautiful than the waves or rays
The look takes me back
to the first time i looked
the first time i really saw
felt
the first time i realized how much i loved that look
the first time i felt loved
I glance over my shoulders to see the owner of the gazers
owner of the glance
one responsible for the feeling that is consuming my thoughts
I see him
his brought browns
looking at me
sending me that smile
that one look is all I need
I turn back around
and for once I show the sun how I can glow.
Making it jealous

Distance

Seems like in my life I fall too quickly or too hard. Sometimes when we fall its the best thing you could imagine. Just knowing that your falling and someone else is ready to catch you can be the best feeling in the world. Especially when you never thought you would feel that again, ever. You knew you would always find someone to be content with but never thought you would find that can't sit still, can't sleep, anxiously waiting feeling. The feeling when you are driving to see them and you feel like you cant get there fast enough! You speed not caring that the cop is passing you. You take the risk. Jump at chance of seeing them as soon as possible.
I personally never thought I would feel this again. After what I experienced almost 6 months ago. I built a wall so tall that even the people I knew deserved to be in were locked out. I wasn't happy. The smallest things would make me so angry. For instance, the car that pulled out in my lane or the way my mother wakes me up at seven in the morning to take the dog out. But since I met this new person. I wake up at seven to take the dog out without being asked. Sometimes I even say good morning to my mom or talk to the baby while he watches cartoons. I laugh at the crazy old lady that pulled out in front of my car. I can even laugh at the people that let that poor old lady ruin there whole work day. Whats even better about finally feeling this again is knowing that he feels the same way.
The only catch is that he lives an hour away. I've made my share of trips up there to see him but it isn't easy to find the gas money or the time. He leaves July 10 for Louisiana to live for school. Then our distance is going to be further. We know we shouldn't end things just because of distance. It just gets so frustrating, but i can't give up on a good thing. I'm not ready to let go of this happiness.

Cold in the rain fall...

Rain
Drizzling down my face
Motionless
I wait
Trees limbs blowing
wind forcing them
i stand
look up to heaven
seeking an answer
an end
halt to the pain
tears
i waited i stood
for two long years
two years i was there
just waiting
on the time
time where you would want me again
craving the look that meant you needed me
longing those words
now months later
after the endings i still wait
unsure of what the seasons may bring
right now only rain
rain that melts my face
clings quietly to my tears
shading them from onlookers eyes
this rain falls without end
the winds tremble my frozen body
as i look to heaven
prayers fill my thoughts
questions exploding my brain
beats pounding my heart
Please Lord, bring out the sun
dry this rain
dry up all the pain.

Pisces

Pisces is kind to the man with no home,
a friend to the one who betrays,
the inspiration to the woman that lost hope,
at times impatient
all alone
enjoys the quiet
she clings tight to the walls that surround her heart
while wishing for tumbling bricks to free her
forgiveness is a virtue in her life
though never to forget
the past is the key to who she is
relationships molded her life
she is the result of broken marriage
often contemplating youthful fears
through it all Pisces finds a few
a few to trust
a few to love
once loved by Pisces it is forever
pain cannot steal the feeling
trust is the issue
the inner struggle
these walls as high as any prison gate
the guards more stern and bold
quick to run
the sight of fear
moves her feet
she searches daily for that face
face of a familiar friend
at once the guards take break
confidence shines
inside her head
a story is written
a story of her life
unfinished
unpublished
unheard to an outside voice

My friend

Had Inspiration tonight, here goes.....

Bad news
Bad day
rain, emptiness in my bones
hair won't stay down, or dry
all from the falling rain thats now streaming from my face
That comment,
Those words
sending chills through my body
knives through my heart
hopes, dreams, aspirations feel crushed
One day
A day to change my mind
badness making me think its not possible
impossible
at the sight of the bad
the sound of the comment
the coolness from the wind
and the pain from my day
i run
run to him
my friend
not one i chat endlessly with
not one ive spent days with
known for a while
friend for not long
confidant
truly caring there you stand
i run
drenched in rain
chills cover my wet body
I search the crowds
faces and faces
to find you
my familiar friend
we both have pain
hurt
sorrow from unchangeable childhood memories
different worlds we were born into
different situations
yet we meet
we mend
you and me
me and you
trust
its been so long
but i trust you
I scan the streets
the homes
sidewalks
bridges
in my pain
in that sorrow
i search
search for you
my friend
with open arms
open heart
open ears
i spot you
standing out amoung the chatter
i run to you
to your arms
feeling spill out
to you
my confidant
safety is back
the rain begins to dry
tears retrace back to where they started
i feel true friendship
often
i search for you

Sci Fi

There he is across the room. His hair slightly covering his right eye as he conversating with friends over weekend plans. I continue to glance over, admiring his beauty- his perfection.
“Judy Anthony, Do you understand?” Mrs. Rice is standing at the chalkboard now glaring at me. She interrupted my daydream and gave the class a great opportunity to stare at me, the new girl.
“Yes mam,” I managed to utter while trying to gather my thoughts. I’m not sure what it is about him, but I know this has to stop. The constant thoughts of him, endless staring, and butterflies must stop, all of it. I must pull together my desires and remember the mission. I must keep in mind the reason I am at Stork High School in Salt Lake City. I remember sometimes of how my life was until I was “chosen.” Before that day I had been an average eighteen-year-old girl in New York City. My name was Scarlet Bennett and I lived alone in a stuffy, crowded apartment. I struggled working nights at a local café while trying to get noticed in the music industry. I wished to be discovered so badly, but not by them. Before the day I was chose I didn’t believe in the supernatural; I wasn’t superstitious at all. That night I become a believer. I was walking down that cool street back to my dingy apartment after a long shift at the café. I remember it was a cold December night. As I walked I could see my breath being released into the hair and frost nibbling the tips of my toes. I’ll never forget when I spotted him. There he stood a few feet in front of me. He told me to do exactly as he said. My initial reaction was that I was being robbed. I clung more tightly to my purse. I never imagined it was me he wanted, not my money. He stood about six feet tall and had on a black leather coat. His pale face was slightly lit up due to the street light overhead. His eyes were blue and his face looked angry. He reached for my hand and we were gone.
“Excuse me, Miss Anthony would you like to join the rest of the class and stop daydreaming?” Mrs. Rice is now positioned over my desk glaring down at me. I could feel the blood rush to my face as I look up at her in embarrassment. The bell rang shortly after that ending my misery. As I walked down the hall I heard my name. I turned to see him, Michael Gray, standing by my side as we make our way down the crowded hallway.
“I hate that class,” he said as we walked. I could smell his cologne fill the air I breathed. He stood about six one, which reminded me of the first time I met Shane, that night in the alley. Michael wore a pale blue polo shirt and blue jeans. As we walked people from all directions said hello to him. He was rather popular.
“So, any big plans for the weekend?” he asked.
“Not really,” I noted.
“Well some friends are going to come over to my place. Your welcome to come.”
“I’ll see if I can make it,” I answered.
I really wanted to go. I craved the feeling of being next to him. It had only been here a couple of months and every time we talked the butterflies returned. I loved being with him or even just talking to him. I knew I needed this opportunity I was supposed to “take” him soon.
Later that night I had to meet with my peers. They informed me that he had to become one of us in a month, prom night. He would become a stalker of the night, brainwashed by thoughts of war. I didn’t want to rob him of his human life or even take him but I had no other choice.
The next few weeks passed by and I grew closer to him after the party at his house- since the night we kissed. I had been avoiding my peers and the butterflies I got when I saw him had multiplied.
One day as we walked to Biology he asked the question I had been dreading, the moment I’d never forget. He looked down at me and said, “Will you go to prom with me?” Instinct took over. I tried to vanish the thoughts but I only heard Shane’s words.
“This boy Michael has what it takes. He can get people to join us by his charm. He can be the new taker. Scarlet, you must take him prom night! We met with the opposing forces a little over a month ago and we must go back to our home with a victory! We need Michael’s strength. We need him, or you know what happens.”
I trembled at the thought and stared at him. “So, Will you go?” he repeated.
“I’d love to,” I responded with a sick feeling deep within my gut. Truth is, I did want to go. I wanted to buy a beautiful dress and spend a whole night dancing with him. A whole night to pretend I was Scarlet Bennett again, to be his girl. But reality was what I knew I had to face. I was at Stork High pretending to be Judy Anthony just to steal the life of the boy I’d grown to love. I would be forced to convert him into a life of fighting, a life of battling with the enemy. I must take him… soon.

Fire Engine Red

Dedicated to my father and his encouragement, love, and friendship.

"Whatcha doing?" I asked as I walked bare foot through the yard. It was a warm day and my dad was knelt down beside the old tractor in our backyard. He reached down and grabbed his tools to begin painting the tractor.
"Let me try that," I said as I knelt down beside him to mock his position. He had worked on the tractor for weeks preparing to paint it. He got the rusty tractor from a friend and worked night after night to make this old tractor look new again.
There were many nights I can remember getting ready for bed and running outside with my wet hair swinging as I ran. I would run out and see Dad sanding under the light from a small lantern that he sat at the top of the tractor. I would say goodnight and do the same the next night. He spent lots of time in that yard preparing to paint.
Everyone has a memory from their childhood that they cherish. This is mine. While other little girls my age were inside playing with barbies,having tea parties, or playing dress up in their mother's heels and lipstick. You could find me barefoot in the yard next to my daddy in shorts and a t shirt watching him work. He worked on tons of things. I used to frequently say,"My daddy can do anything!" That day my short knotted hair was pushed back and my bold freckles were gleaming due to the afternoon sun.
"Please dad," I urged on. I never thought my dad would let me try such a challenging task at eight years old. However, my father looked over at me and handed me the shiny silver paint can and cord. He had worked countless nights to get this tractor ready to paint, yet he handed over the tool like I was a pro. He gave no directions, just continued to sit next to me and watch.
As I pressed down the cool metal button the paint sprayed. The color was red --fire engine red. As I painted my father repeated," Don't stop. Keep your hand moving slowly. Whatever you do keep painting. Your doing great, keep moving. Don't be nervous." I felt like I could do anything in the world. I was in control. He believed in me. Now ten years later, the relationship between my father and I has continued to grow. I often refer back to that day and replay my father's words.
When days are too long and times get real tough, I remember. "Keep going. Your doing great, whatever you do keep moving." The words remind me to keep going and soon my storm will pass. My father has always been and always will be my encouragement and strength-my rock. I'll never forget the day I painted- fire engine red.

Something missing...

I sit here in this crowded room, surrounded by laughter and constant chatter of familiar voices. So much happiness is in this room. You would think it would be contagious. Matter of fact I wish it was, then with a little exposure to it I could be just as happy and the same laughter could come out of this soul. As I sit here I look around at all the commotion and feel nothing. I don't feel excited or even happy, yet I'm not angry or sad. Its like I'm motionless, expressionless, numb.
I find myself escaping the room and wondering what is wrong with me. I think back to the dinner last night and i felt the same way. In that crowded dim-lite resturant with tons of conversations going on around me.. I was empty. I watched. I noticed the happy couple having a dinner to my right and what looked like life long friends catching up on their lives at a nearby table. This was a happy room. But I felt as though I was outside my body looking over the dinner as someone else. I was hollow.
I thought back to the last time I had laughed. Not a small giggle, and not that fake kind when a friend shares a funny story. That deep, tear coming from my eyes laughter. The kind that makes your abs hurt. The kind that makes you go silent though your still laughing. I thought back to the last time I got excited. The kind where the butterflies are racing in your stomach and you feel your heart pumping fast with anticipation. The kind that makes minutes pass by like hours till you reach your destination.
It's been a while. I feel as though each time I lower my guard, my wall. Each time I let someone in, they betray me. Though they don't just run away as if they were never here. They escape with a piece of me. A piece of who i am and who i have always been. They take a bit of my laughter, smile, excitement and even things much deeper than that. They take away pieces of my hope and love. I feel as each one exits my life in their own way they take a piece of me. Now, it makes me scared of how much more I can allow to be taken before i'm frozen in this body like a statue-motionless.
In this empty body the only thing I have left is hope. Hope that someday I will meet someone that doesn't take away anything. Someone that doesn't steal away my happiness, but someone who refills me of all the things i've lost. Someone that gives more than they take. Someone to make me whole again...

Somehow the same

Funny how you leave the one that was so hard to be left. You finally collect your thoughts and realize they aren't meant to be with you. You love them but they are turning you into the person you do not want to be. You become moody, frustrated, confused, and short-tempered. Everyday becomes filled with tears of misery. You try for so long to escape the pain and leave them behind. One day you do it. You leave. You feel free, better, excited. You want to live. Everyday becomes an adventure. You, for once, determine your own mood. You are the keeper of your happiness.
After a while, you try to move on, date other people. You finally meet him.
He is beautiful. He makes you smile, and he seems to know just the thing to say to make your day better. He isn't the corny kind of sweet- the sincere kind.
He knows of the pain you have experienced in your past. You are scared to let him in. Scared to lower the huge wall you've created. But after a while you let him in. Your scared but its perfect. Just the way you always wanted it to be. Your magic. You feel as if its your turn. Its your turn to experience a nice person. Then as soon as you lower your wall and let him in. He betrays you. He hurts you, after knowing how bad you've been hurt before. It makes you feel... like their all the same.

Closure I needed...

Last night, i became outraged when my cell phone stopped working in mid text. I tried powering it off and back on again. I took the battery out, and all the usual motions. I became so frustrated by the keypad that wouldn't seem to work. I thought to myself...Somewhere in this room I have an old phone. The race was on.
I searched drawers, tables, shelves, and finally. At the tip top shelf of my chaotic closet I found it! However, as I placed my memory card in the phone I was faced with memories I'd wanted to forget.
This was a phone I'd used in the past. When I was with him. It had a background photo of the two of us and tons of old texts saved in the phone memory. How could my night get any worse? I was so frustrated by the night's events and the last place I wanted to stroll was memory lane! I anticipated butterflies. I anticipated that deep breathtaking stab right in the gut that makes you wonder, makes you miss.
As I stared at the texts I realized it. The feeling wasn't there. No stabbing, no butterflies.
I began to replay the night over and over in my head. I realized then that I had been so frustrated in my new phone breaking and the search for the new one. God was trying to teach me something. This was my test. My strength test. As I looked over words and memories that used to mean so much, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. They were just words on an old phone. Meaningless words. Lies.
I began to thank God for showing me how strong I have become. It was just the thing I need to know that I was truly done, Forever. I finally understood that I had accomplished the contentment and strength I've longed for.
We must remember that everything happens for a reason. Try to find a good in all the bad. Try to think about the deeper meaning. You just might find exactly what you were looking for...

High School Heartbreak

Summer 2007

Love. Love. Love. It’s all we see and hear about. In our time, it’s all about love. Someone wants it, trys to find it, or is hurt from it. With my own personal experience I believe its something more than infatuation. I believe its knowing you would cause yourself pain, to see them happy. I believe heartache really is a pain that you feel so deep within your chest that you must take a deep breathe and tell yourself everything will be alright. Love should remind you everyday to smile, and wake up happy. Love should be the excitement of living life with someone by your side. With my experience, sometimes people only express love in other situations. Sometimes you only show love when something dramatic happens, and you realize you need the partner. In my life sometimes what reminds me of the love I feel is when I get so angry, tired, and confused. I find myself lying in bed anxiously thinking out of all the hurt I should walk away. Yet, that tug on my heart. That thought of life alone. The knot in my throat when I begin to say “It’s Over. This is it.” That’s when I feel it. That’s when I remember I love him so much I must stay. That’s the worse kind of love. Love that starts at yours tears but changes the feeling of your heart. Love is a confusing, yet precious gift. When I awake in the morning I am anxious to talk to him. I want to call him, tell him good morning, and talk sweet with him. At school I just seem to think about how much I do care about him, and when I can see him. In the hallways I see other couples and I catch myself begin to wish he was with me at that instance. I hear other girls rambling on about their relationships, and I miss when he was mine. It seems the stress of everything in our lives have he and I apart. I catch myself everyday trying to do something to let him know how much love I have for him. I prove to him daily that he is the only one I want to be with. Then I hear it. It feels as if im lying under an old abandoned house a brick has just been thrown on me. The brick has landed hard upon my chest and now its hard to breathe. Out of panic my heart begins to race, and with every thump my breathing gets a little harder. Suddenly, I feel numb, motionless. I just lie there. Then the sick feeling comes. The feeling some get when there is a tornado in the area, I discover a weak, nauseas feeling. My mind begins to race trying to put all the puzzle pieces together in my head. I have just heard bad news, and not sure how to take it. The first instinct is to call him and ask him if what I’ve heard is true. Has he really done this? Said that? Does he really like her? But the love comes in and reminds me to be patient.

My Marley..

I recently saw the movie Marley and Me and the local movie theater. As I watched the mischievous dog I couldn't help but think about my Maltese back at home.
Last April I pulled into my driveway and notice five tiny puppies playing in the neighbors yard. I'd never really wanted a puppy. I knew with a puppy came tons of responsibility, and at seventeen I could not say that I'd be home enough to take on that role. However, when i watched these small puppies I couldnt clear the "I WANT IT" from my brain. I walked over and spoke with the neighbor and played with the puppies. I carried it over to my house to show my family. Everyone in the family thought it was precious. Yet, as I asked if I could keep it my mother said, "No." I begged. She wouldn't buge. Then her boyfriend pulled into the driveway and I had a plan. I ran out into the rain and begged him into letting me have it. I knew it would work! :]
The puppy wasnt old enough to leave her mother yet, but I went over everyday after school to play with her until she could finally be mine. A couple of weeks later I hurried home after school and ran over to the neighbors home to claim my prize! As I walked in the neighbors couldnt find her. All the puppies played in the living room but mine wasnt there. We searched everywhere. Finally we found her on the back porch curled into a ball asleep in a child's tennis shoe. I scooped her up and we headed home.
The next few days Bella slept a lot! Our household schnauzer had began to love Bella just as much as the rest of us. Though he was ten times her size. At night I tried to put her in the kennel. Not a good idea. She cried. All night! The next day after serious lack of sleep I decided to let her sleep in the bed with me. She found her way right to the edge of the bed and whinned... All night. I had began to seriously question her cuteness. Weeks passed and my two pound dog started to get more hyper and I would occasionally let her run around the bedroom floor. Ten shoes and three stuffed animals later I decided that wasn't the best idea. I read articles about how to get her to stop chewing my stuff. At this rate, in a couple of weeks I would no longer have a shoe selection.
Different articles had different solutions for my problem. The first article said to place tons of chew toys throughout the house, and she would chew those rather than my personal items. Little did that person know that my Bella was not interested in chew toys! Plan B. I was told to roll a newspaper and pop her on the bottom when she chewed my things. Well, that would be a good idea if she didn't enjoy biting the other end of my newspaper and growling at me as frustration filled my face. I had decided she was impossible.
For the next few weeks we worked on the chewing and the sleeping arrangements while still trying to get down the bathroom situation. I took her outside plenty of times yet she still didn't catch the concept. Many days I would open the back door and she would run all the way to the back of the yard and do circles. Lack of energy was never one of Bella's characteristics. I would scream for her to come back after a while and she wouldn't slow up. I would have to run all the way to the edge of the yard. Then, the chase was on! She thought it was a game. At six thirty before I left for school and my bare feet were freezing from the morning dew I wasnt the happiest person. Eventually she got a little better. Until it rained. Little miss priss refuses to get her paws wet. Therefore when its raining outside and i take her out, she stands on the back porch like, " Woman, your crazy if you think im going out there." I even sometimes walk out into the pouring rain in attempt to show my crazy dog that its ok. Then continues to look at me like, " look at you now, all wet."
Now, almost a year later she whins at the edge of the bed, chews up anything she can find, stands on the porch in the rain refusing to move, and occasionally have an accident in the house. Most mornings you can find me straightening my hair, doing my makeup, and hollering," No Bella!'', "Give me that hair brush." and "Stop it."
But you got to love her.