Something missing...

I sit here in this crowded room, surrounded by laughter and constant chatter of familiar voices. So much happiness is in this room. You would think it would be contagious. Matter of fact I wish it was, then with a little exposure to it I could be just as happy and the same laughter could come out of this soul. As I sit here I look around at all the commotion and feel nothing. I don't feel excited or even happy, yet I'm not angry or sad. Its like I'm motionless, expressionless, numb.
I find myself escaping the room and wondering what is wrong with me. I think back to the dinner last night and i felt the same way. In that crowded dim-lite resturant with tons of conversations going on around me.. I was empty. I watched. I noticed the happy couple having a dinner to my right and what looked like life long friends catching up on their lives at a nearby table. This was a happy room. But I felt as though I was outside my body looking over the dinner as someone else. I was hollow.
I thought back to the last time I had laughed. Not a small giggle, and not that fake kind when a friend shares a funny story. That deep, tear coming from my eyes laughter. The kind that makes your abs hurt. The kind that makes you go silent though your still laughing. I thought back to the last time I got excited. The kind where the butterflies are racing in your stomach and you feel your heart pumping fast with anticipation. The kind that makes minutes pass by like hours till you reach your destination.
It's been a while. I feel as though each time I lower my guard, my wall. Each time I let someone in, they betray me. Though they don't just run away as if they were never here. They escape with a piece of me. A piece of who i am and who i have always been. They take a bit of my laughter, smile, excitement and even things much deeper than that. They take away pieces of my hope and love. I feel as each one exits my life in their own way they take a piece of me. Now, it makes me scared of how much more I can allow to be taken before i'm frozen in this body like a statue-motionless.
In this empty body the only thing I have left is hope. Hope that someday I will meet someone that doesn't take away anything. Someone that doesn't steal away my happiness, but someone who refills me of all the things i've lost. Someone that gives more than they take. Someone to make me whole again...