Somehow the same

Funny how you leave the one that was so hard to be left. You finally collect your thoughts and realize they aren't meant to be with you. You love them but they are turning you into the person you do not want to be. You become moody, frustrated, confused, and short-tempered. Everyday becomes filled with tears of misery. You try for so long to escape the pain and leave them behind. One day you do it. You leave. You feel free, better, excited. You want to live. Everyday becomes an adventure. You, for once, determine your own mood. You are the keeper of your happiness.
After a while, you try to move on, date other people. You finally meet him.
He is beautiful. He makes you smile, and he seems to know just the thing to say to make your day better. He isn't the corny kind of sweet- the sincere kind.
He knows of the pain you have experienced in your past. You are scared to let him in. Scared to lower the huge wall you've created. But after a while you let him in. Your scared but its perfect. Just the way you always wanted it to be. Your magic. You feel as if its your turn. Its your turn to experience a nice person. Then as soon as you lower your wall and let him in. He betrays you. He hurts you, after knowing how bad you've been hurt before. It makes you feel... like their all the same.

Closure I needed...

Last night, i became outraged when my cell phone stopped working in mid text. I tried powering it off and back on again. I took the battery out, and all the usual motions. I became so frustrated by the keypad that wouldn't seem to work. I thought to myself...Somewhere in this room I have an old phone. The race was on.
I searched drawers, tables, shelves, and finally. At the tip top shelf of my chaotic closet I found it! However, as I placed my memory card in the phone I was faced with memories I'd wanted to forget.
This was a phone I'd used in the past. When I was with him. It had a background photo of the two of us and tons of old texts saved in the phone memory. How could my night get any worse? I was so frustrated by the night's events and the last place I wanted to stroll was memory lane! I anticipated butterflies. I anticipated that deep breathtaking stab right in the gut that makes you wonder, makes you miss.
As I stared at the texts I realized it. The feeling wasn't there. No stabbing, no butterflies.
I began to replay the night over and over in my head. I realized then that I had been so frustrated in my new phone breaking and the search for the new one. God was trying to teach me something. This was my test. My strength test. As I looked over words and memories that used to mean so much, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. They were just words on an old phone. Meaningless words. Lies.
I began to thank God for showing me how strong I have become. It was just the thing I need to know that I was truly done, Forever. I finally understood that I had accomplished the contentment and strength I've longed for.
We must remember that everything happens for a reason. Try to find a good in all the bad. Try to think about the deeper meaning. You just might find exactly what you were looking for...

High School Heartbreak

Summer 2007

Love. Love. Love. It’s all we see and hear about. In our time, it’s all about love. Someone wants it, trys to find it, or is hurt from it. With my own personal experience I believe its something more than infatuation. I believe its knowing you would cause yourself pain, to see them happy. I believe heartache really is a pain that you feel so deep within your chest that you must take a deep breathe and tell yourself everything will be alright. Love should remind you everyday to smile, and wake up happy. Love should be the excitement of living life with someone by your side. With my experience, sometimes people only express love in other situations. Sometimes you only show love when something dramatic happens, and you realize you need the partner. In my life sometimes what reminds me of the love I feel is when I get so angry, tired, and confused. I find myself lying in bed anxiously thinking out of all the hurt I should walk away. Yet, that tug on my heart. That thought of life alone. The knot in my throat when I begin to say “It’s Over. This is it.” That’s when I feel it. That’s when I remember I love him so much I must stay. That’s the worse kind of love. Love that starts at yours tears but changes the feeling of your heart. Love is a confusing, yet precious gift. When I awake in the morning I am anxious to talk to him. I want to call him, tell him good morning, and talk sweet with him. At school I just seem to think about how much I do care about him, and when I can see him. In the hallways I see other couples and I catch myself begin to wish he was with me at that instance. I hear other girls rambling on about their relationships, and I miss when he was mine. It seems the stress of everything in our lives have he and I apart. I catch myself everyday trying to do something to let him know how much love I have for him. I prove to him daily that he is the only one I want to be with. Then I hear it. It feels as if im lying under an old abandoned house a brick has just been thrown on me. The brick has landed hard upon my chest and now its hard to breathe. Out of panic my heart begins to race, and with every thump my breathing gets a little harder. Suddenly, I feel numb, motionless. I just lie there. Then the sick feeling comes. The feeling some get when there is a tornado in the area, I discover a weak, nauseas feeling. My mind begins to race trying to put all the puzzle pieces together in my head. I have just heard bad news, and not sure how to take it. The first instinct is to call him and ask him if what I’ve heard is true. Has he really done this? Said that? Does he really like her? But the love comes in and reminds me to be patient.

My Marley..

I recently saw the movie Marley and Me and the local movie theater. As I watched the mischievous dog I couldn't help but think about my Maltese back at home.
Last April I pulled into my driveway and notice five tiny puppies playing in the neighbors yard. I'd never really wanted a puppy. I knew with a puppy came tons of responsibility, and at seventeen I could not say that I'd be home enough to take on that role. However, when i watched these small puppies I couldnt clear the "I WANT IT" from my brain. I walked over and spoke with the neighbor and played with the puppies. I carried it over to my house to show my family. Everyone in the family thought it was precious. Yet, as I asked if I could keep it my mother said, "No." I begged. She wouldn't buge. Then her boyfriend pulled into the driveway and I had a plan. I ran out into the rain and begged him into letting me have it. I knew it would work! :]
The puppy wasnt old enough to leave her mother yet, but I went over everyday after school to play with her until she could finally be mine. A couple of weeks later I hurried home after school and ran over to the neighbors home to claim my prize! As I walked in the neighbors couldnt find her. All the puppies played in the living room but mine wasnt there. We searched everywhere. Finally we found her on the back porch curled into a ball asleep in a child's tennis shoe. I scooped her up and we headed home.
The next few days Bella slept a lot! Our household schnauzer had began to love Bella just as much as the rest of us. Though he was ten times her size. At night I tried to put her in the kennel. Not a good idea. She cried. All night! The next day after serious lack of sleep I decided to let her sleep in the bed with me. She found her way right to the edge of the bed and whinned... All night. I had began to seriously question her cuteness. Weeks passed and my two pound dog started to get more hyper and I would occasionally let her run around the bedroom floor. Ten shoes and three stuffed animals later I decided that wasn't the best idea. I read articles about how to get her to stop chewing my stuff. At this rate, in a couple of weeks I would no longer have a shoe selection.
Different articles had different solutions for my problem. The first article said to place tons of chew toys throughout the house, and she would chew those rather than my personal items. Little did that person know that my Bella was not interested in chew toys! Plan B. I was told to roll a newspaper and pop her on the bottom when she chewed my things. Well, that would be a good idea if she didn't enjoy biting the other end of my newspaper and growling at me as frustration filled my face. I had decided she was impossible.
For the next few weeks we worked on the chewing and the sleeping arrangements while still trying to get down the bathroom situation. I took her outside plenty of times yet she still didn't catch the concept. Many days I would open the back door and she would run all the way to the back of the yard and do circles. Lack of energy was never one of Bella's characteristics. I would scream for her to come back after a while and she wouldn't slow up. I would have to run all the way to the edge of the yard. Then, the chase was on! She thought it was a game. At six thirty before I left for school and my bare feet were freezing from the morning dew I wasnt the happiest person. Eventually she got a little better. Until it rained. Little miss priss refuses to get her paws wet. Therefore when its raining outside and i take her out, she stands on the back porch like, " Woman, your crazy if you think im going out there." I even sometimes walk out into the pouring rain in attempt to show my crazy dog that its ok. Then continues to look at me like, " look at you now, all wet."
Now, almost a year later she whins at the edge of the bed, chews up anything she can find, stands on the porch in the rain refusing to move, and occasionally have an accident in the house. Most mornings you can find me straightening my hair, doing my makeup, and hollering," No Bella!'', "Give me that hair brush." and "Stop it."
But you got to love her.